i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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