In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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