I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
