i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
