she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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