i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
