No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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