if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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