I think my fart just growled at me.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
