I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
