I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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