Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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