hotel room ftw
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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