I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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