tell your sister to shave her snatch
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
