My room smells like vodka and shame
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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