sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
