She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
