it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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