Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
