Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
now i know why i became what i already was.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
