i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
