My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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