Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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