those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
