In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
