from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
