I met the friendliest cop last night
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
