i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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