she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
