i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
