I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My ATM looks so different sober.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
