Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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