I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You did what with his pubic hair?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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