so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i think i have two assholes
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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