paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
