every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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