Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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