dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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