If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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