I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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