my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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