Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
