I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
