i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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