i will never coherently bang her
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
