we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
