she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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