anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
