Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
