Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I need moral support for this bender
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
