he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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