I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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