Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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