went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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