Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
